All is Vanity
by Grac3
Summary: Fourteen drabbles on the mindset of Nine, based on the Book of Ecclesiastes.
1. Red Grass and Orange Skies

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_There is no remembrance of former things  
- Ecclesiastes 1:11 (KJV)_

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1 – Red Grass and Orange Skies

There was red grass and orange skies; there was a large citadel and two suns. Whenever the Doctor closed his eyes, that it what he saw on the inside of his eyelids: red grass, orange skies, a large citadel and two suns.

In other words, he saw Gallifrey.

In short, he saw home.

It pulled at his hearts to know that, when he was gone – for he would be one day – there would be no one left to remember his home.

He thought of telling Rose about it. Then he remembered that he would probably be around longer than her.


	2. Travelling Long and Travelling Far

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_I have seen all the works that are done under the sun: and behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit  
- Ecclesiastes 1:14 (KJV)_

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2 – Travelling Long and Travelling Far

It was difficult for the Doctor to find somewhere to take Rose that he hadn't been before. In the centuries that it had been since he had stolen the TARDIS – or since she had stolen him – he felt as though he had been anywhere and everywhere. He had seen his fair share of Earth, taken Susan to Akhaten, been to Skaro more times than he cared to count, with three companions, and with one, and with many more besides.

He was beginning to think that he had seen it all. He feared that the universe was becoming boring for him.


	3. Infinite Names and Infinite Faces

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_For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow  
- Ecclesiastes 1:18 (KJV)_

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3 – Infinite Names and Infinite Faces

Humans said that ignorance was bliss. When he'd first heard that, he hadn't understood it; he longed to know more about the universe, as much as he could find out.

He understood it now.

He could feel the turn of the Earth, could see all that is, all that was, all that could ever be. He could see it all, stored inside his head along with all of the names and faces that he had seen and heard along the way, from his granddaughter to Rose.

That's what he saw, all of the time.

And it just drove him _mad_.


	4. Unfair Decisions and Impossible Outcomes

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_Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labour that I had laboured to do: and behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun  
- Ecclesiastes 2:11 (KJV)_

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4 – Unfair Decisions and Impossible Outcomes

How could one have survived? After all he had been through, _how_ could one have survived? The memories of the Time War were impossible to hold back when faced with a Dalek; he saw Gallifrey burning again, as bright as the red grass had once been on the ground.

Pressing that button had been the hardest thing he had ever had to do. He had watched it because he deserved it. He had done it because there was no choice. Yet now, he had lost it all – become the lonely wanderer – and for what?

For a Dalek to have survived.


	5. Unbearable Grief and Forgotten Times

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_Therefore I hated life: because the work that is wrought under the sun is grievous unto me: for all is vanity and vexation of spirit  
- Ecclesiastes 2:17 (KJV)_

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5 – Unbearable Grief and Forgotten Times

He had blacked out after detonating the Moment, regenerating while he was unconscious. He hadn't wanted to know what he looked like, because if he didn't, he could pretend that he had died with all his family and friends.

The next two hundred years were a blur. He felt that he had seen President Kennedy's assassination, and possibly seen Krakatoa explode; he didn't really remember them. His life hadn't started as this form until he had met Rose Tyler; only then had he been able to bare being alive.

Only then had he wanted to know what he looked like.


	6. Previous Companions and Smiling Faces

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_Yea, I hated all my labour which I had taken under the sun: because I should leave it unto the man that shall be after me  
- Ecclesiastes 2:18 (KJV)_

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6 – Previous Companions and Smiling Faces

He used to have been able to make people smile. He remembered making people smile; with his wit, with his intelligence, with his cheekiness.

He hadn't made anyone smile for a while. He wasn't sure he'd even remember how. This form hadn't made anyone smile; not like first form had made Susan smile, or his third form had made Jo smile, or his eight form had made Grace smile. This form was no good for stuff like that, and it probably never would be.

Maybe his next form would be, though; maybe _he_ would be able to make people smile.


	7. Sleepless Nights and TARDIS Tinkering

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_For all his days are sorrows, and his travail grief; yea, his heart taketh not rest in the night. This is also vanity.  
- Ecclesiastes 2:23 (KJV)_

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7 – Sleepless Nights and TARDIS Tinkering

Time Lords didn't need much sleep, and for that, he was grateful. Whenever he drifted off into that place of supposed peace, what he'd done was there waiting for him: all the screams of the Time Lords he had slaughtered. He didn't even remember having heard them when he had seen the planet burn, yet he must have done, for now they haunted him.

His days were no better, but he could at least try to escape from it all by focusing on other things. When they met, Rose could make it better; before that, tinkering always seemed to help.


	8. Killing Time and Healing Time

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_A time to kill, and a time to heal  
- Ecclesiastes 3:3 (KJV)_

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8 – Killing Time and Healing Time

The Doctor knew when it was time to push the button. He hadn't wanted to; he _really_ hadn't wanted to, but in the end, he didn't really have a choice. Either the Time Lords would destroy the Daleks (and everything else), or the Daleks would destroy everything in one fell swoop. Either way, the collateral damage would be the entire universe, and the only way to save everything would be to destroy everything that threatened it. So he had pushed the button, and killed it all.

But now, the time for killing had passed; now, it was time to heal.


	9. Weeping Time and Laughing Time

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_A time to weep, and a time to laugh  
- Ecclesiastes 3:4 (KJV)_

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9 – Weeping Time and Laughing Time

The Doctor had never really cried much. He always thought that it was a weakness. After all, he had lost a lot by the time that the War came to an end; countless companions and many enemies – there had been much death at the work of his hands. He had never really cried though; mourned, yes, but never shed tears. Not until it was all gone; then he didn't think it would ever stop.

But it did. One glorious day, underneath the London Eye, it finally stopped. Of course, it had been a human who fixed him; it always was.


	10. Invisible Scars and Rose-Tinted Glasses

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_He hath made everything beautiful in its time  
- Ecclesiastes 3:11 (KJV)_

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10 – Invisible Scars and Rose-Tinted Glasses

This regeneration had scars; maybe not physical scars, but they were there all the same. They reminded him of what he had done, and that he had had to do it.

He had killed before, by the time he pressed the button: he was a soldier – he had to. He had even killed several at once before. But never that many; destruction on that scale had left him damaged, scarred.

Rose didn't see it like that. She didn't see _him_ like that. She only saw him as a wonderful man, even after he had told her what he had done.


	11. Fallen Races and Responsible Renegades

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_For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth: for he hath not another to help him up  
- Ecclesiastes 4:10 (KJV)_

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11 – Fallen Races and Responsible Renegades

It hadn't really hit him until he had told Rose about the War after watching Earth burn. He was the Last. There would never be another Time Lord, unless he could construct a Loom himself – which, despite all his engineering skills, was highly unlikely. He now solely represented an entire race; he had a responsibility to keep the Time Lord legacy going (though they wouldn't have wanted it to be him). He had to see the universe, and the universe had to see him. They had to know that there was still one left; even if it was only one.


	12. Lying Men and Getting Old

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_Yea, though he live a thousand years twice told  
- Ecclesiastes 6:6 (KJV)_

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12 – Lying Men and Getting Old

He had a feeling he'd lied to Rose when he'd told her he was 900. Then again, was it lying when he didn't know the truth?

He could have been 900 – he could have been much older. He probably was much older. He felt a lot older.

Before he met Rose, he felt like an old man, growing tired of the universe – and maybe the universe was growing tired of him. Now, he felt younger; Rose had revitalised him, and he didn't care how old he was.

So he stuck with 900. It was as good an age as any.


	13. Cheating Death and Reasonable Assumption

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_All go unto one place: all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again  
- Ecclesiastes 3:20 (KJV)_

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13 – Cheating Death and Reasonable Assumptions

Rose told the Doctor that Clive thought he was immortal. He supposed it was a reasonable assumption. Sometimes, he thought he was. After all, regeneration made it seem like he could survive anything; just pick himself up and dust himself off, walking away as a different but entirely the same man.

But Time Lords weren't immortal, and in the end, he would go to the same place as them. He would return to the dust, and have to face them all when he did. But that wouldn't be for ages; he could let people think he was immortal until then.


	14. Punished Men and Rewarded Men

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_For God shall bring every work into judgement, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil  
- Ecclesiastes 12:14 (KJV)_

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14 – Punished Men and Rewarded Men

He had done a bad thing. He had known that when he had done it; had known that before he had done it. He felt awful about it, and that was his punishment: to live alone, and wander the universe, with no one else for company.

He had done a good thing. He had known that when he had done it; had known that before he had done it. He had done the only thing that he could have, and now he was being rewarded: now, he had Rose Tyler, and peace and sanity had been restored to the universe.


End file.
